I have had to truly turn myself inside out this week. Not being myself this week at all. I did not even have a desire to indulge with memories of my past as I did. I had not had that desire to learn anything new from it. I know at times our minds jump before we make intelligent choices. Of course some would say we truly do what we feel on impulse. I do not know which I agree with.
I have learned that the people from our past were there for a reason. One reason I think is to teach us of our mistakes. To make us stronger, better for the right person when we find them. Sometimes that person from our past was the right person but we happen to meet at the wrong time. In my life I had to deal with the past people to become who I needed to be for the right one I am with now. I had to come to terms that the things that use to make me go crazy back then do not matter at all. Explainations meant nothing, bored me at times. I never needed closure but I know I had to provide the outlet for them to attain closure.
I learned to appreciate even more than I already did that what I have is sacred, special, something most people do not even get once in a lifetime. I was told I was that sacred something special to the one from my past. My only response was,"You will find the one that IS right one day." Totally I disagreed. I did not reject rudely, just sternly. I could not go backwards even if I was alone and single. I tried to explain that was toxic. Of course that person disagreed. I tried to explain they were in love with 20 yr old Julee. 30 yr old Julee is a remarkably opposite person from that young adult. I have matured, grown and become successful. I do not hold hate or anger toward that person. I think if you feel that strongly with anger or hate that means there is still love. I don't have to go into what the reasons are I could be mean etc. I just was tired. It dragged on longer than expected. I do not know why I did that. I honestly had no desire to start a friendship, relationship of any kind. I did not even want to relay information. But I had to TRY to put myself in that lonely place they are in. I would NOT allow myself to ever be in that place but tried to imagine how not knowing would have killed me, drove me crazy. So I gave not too much info but enough. I did not have tears, or any regrets of any of my choices. The reason I had to deal with Mr. Corrupt was for 2 wonderful (but defiant) little boys to be born.
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;-) very well said. You showed compassion and empathy, you are a wonderful human being. In regard to the poems, I can't even comment right now, I will be back to read them again. They are beautiful and leave me speechless. You mother, what an amazing mother she is. I felt more comfortable with Peggy in a way that I will never probably feel with my own. I could always feel her unconditional love, for you, for her family, for "her boys" and for anyone who found themselves lucky enough to find themselves in the back room. ;-)
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