The following posts are poems I have written and had posted on myspace but I hope I aqquire followers and they are read....
I remember the day I fell in love with you...
CHAD
We met by PURE fate
brief relationship in Jr high
the times we met up in High School
It seems so strange where we met up
Had we not met........mad we missed
BUT
We did.
How when we are apart their is a piece missing
the vows we wrote ourselves
that first night as husband and wife.
How crazy we are alone
Thank You for always cleaning up after me
thank you for always supporting me
your kisses and touch make any bad day go away
And I can't thank God enough for that.
You're the ink in my pen,
(thank you for being the PRINCE I've always dreamt of.)
?
I remember the day I fell in love with you...
[[AMY S]]
Wow
The partying we have done
all the beers and cigs on my porch
LONG LONG TALKS
Clubs
My Trent & Your Trent Jr
Your Ian & my Ian Jr
"Don't touch me I just want to sleep in the car"
We've CRIED together,
LAUGHED out loud,
and CONNECTED in ways
that even identical twins never experienced.
you are...
a dear friend
I love you.
I remember the day I fell in love with you...
Kelly
Estranged all through Jr High
and finally befriending each other in your
College years.
We were complete OPPOSITES,
(still are)
BUT
You brought out the GIRLYNESS in me
and I brought out your DARK side.
The Ranch
That $100
Becoming Mommy's
Thank you for being there through
all the drunken nights
and for letting me sleep in your bed
and not the floor.
That broken window:)
Thank you for the insurmountable amounts
Jack Daniels Cuntry cocktails, sunset bar & Beerman
Your my sista foreva....
Love you more than you'll know.
(I miss you)
?
I remember the day I fell in love with you...
[[AMY B]]
Elementary BFF's
(AGAIN)
Reunited through a high school fad
(God bless myspace)
To lifetime aqquantnence
our walk to crystal canyon
DARK SIDE OF THE MOON!
drunken nights
crazy 6th grade
You've always understood me and my
problems, oddly enough we've been through
the same experiences.
Everything from FAR AWAY boyfriends,
to being CONFUSED constantly,
not understanding who we were,
When you moved the hole that was left behind
and just wanting to CRY spontaneously.
Thank you for letting me cry to you
about every stupid boy,
every poem,
and for all the NEVER ENDING hour phone calls.
Love you Darling.
?
I remember the day I fell in love with you...
[[Brandy]]
My favorite co-worker
7th stage sister
my fellow patron of
shakin it!
I miss making fun of customers with you,
slacking off at work with you,
and you telling me the things I didn't
remember.
The nights on the bathroom floors
The champagne room,
those shitty managers
I LOVE YOU.
I remember the day I fell inlove with you
Alena
Curious neighbor.
Iniquity nights...
Julee. don't drink the WHOLE bottle of tequilla
you will regret it!
Me screaming I aint drunk yet
10 min later leaning out the window
Halloween at alisons
Mine and Kens birthday whip cream pies
When we found out you were pregnant
Being hapy for each other...
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
July was in October....(for mom)
As most of you know my mother died July 18 03
her Birthday is October 1st
This is about that......
The Scent of July on October 1st
Cigarette smoke halos curl around my fingers and hair now
As the scent of July wilters away With the dead leaves of autumn
The dusk falls slowly through the skeletal branches
My hands clutching warmth wishing it were your hands
My mind struggles to seperate the anger and anguish
That is feeding deep within me
(I can't take back the voided summer days that last year I never saw you.)
I can smell July In October
What a dazed and confused dream.
I can't help but think your name is carved somewhere sacred
For everyone to see
Perhaps on a tree,No a tombstone,the cold walls of my heart..?
X's cloud the sky and I fall to my knees
I want to smell your perfume one last time
As your hand grazes my cheek
And your lips leave a mauve stamp on my forehead
I can smell July
on October 1st
And yet I can't utter the words.
her Birthday is October 1st
This is about that......
The Scent of July on October 1st
Cigarette smoke halos curl around my fingers and hair now
As the scent of July wilters away With the dead leaves of autumn
The dusk falls slowly through the skeletal branches
My hands clutching warmth wishing it were your hands
My mind struggles to seperate the anger and anguish
That is feeding deep within me
(I can't take back the voided summer days that last year I never saw you.)
I can smell July In October
What a dazed and confused dream.
I can't help but think your name is carved somewhere sacred
For everyone to see
Perhaps on a tree,No a tombstone,the cold walls of my heart..?
X's cloud the sky and I fall to my knees
I want to smell your perfume one last time
As your hand grazes my cheek
And your lips leave a mauve stamp on my forehead
I can smell July
on October 1st
And yet I can't utter the words.
The door is yours mother
Here is another one about my dear mother
THE DOOR IS YOURS
air supply is...empty
and you're so
far away.
form
poems in my
tear drenched eyes,
and as I wipe away
the sorrow
I realize you're still not here.
I close the door you that use to be yours
with your unexpected farewell you left
and your scent is slowly fading
F
A
D
I
N
G
The painkillers don't feel good anymore
I'd rather have your
hand wrapped around mine instead.
Uncondtional love lies in your hands.
But now your hands are
cold and so far away.
Comfort is but a dream
your memory a fantasy
and my heart a massacre.
Come back to me,
your door is waiting.
MAKE THE DOOR BELONG TO YOU AGAIN.
Make the FANTASY go away
MAKE IT REAL.
THE DOOR IS YOURS
air supply is...empty
and you're so
far away.
form
poems in my
tear drenched eyes,
and as I wipe away
the sorrow
I realize you're still not here.
I close the door you that use to be yours
with your unexpected farewell you left
and your scent is slowly fading
F
A
D
I
N
G
The painkillers don't feel good anymore
I'd rather have your
hand wrapped around mine instead.
Uncondtional love lies in your hands.
But now your hands are
cold and so far away.
Comfort is but a dream
your memory a fantasy
and my heart a massacre.
Come back to me,
your door is waiting.
MAKE THE DOOR BELONG TO YOU AGAIN.
Make the FANTASY go away
MAKE IT REAL.
Dear Mother
Why I'm Cold.
Dear Mother.
My breath quickens,
icy oxygen mixes with
stale green gases
and my eyes become cloudy
and my limbs go numb
not because of the ice
that is now soaking into
my raw socks
or because my hair is
now waltzing with the wind...
with cracked lips I say her name
"Mother?" ...she is gone....
and I know now why I am cold.
Dear Mother.
My breath quickens,
icy oxygen mixes with
stale green gases
and my eyes become cloudy
and my limbs go numb
not because of the ice
that is now soaking into
my raw socks
or because my hair is
now waltzing with the wind...
with cracked lips I say her name
"Mother?" ...she is gone....
and I know now why I am cold.
Past her grave
Past her grave
(for mom)
I'm choking on starched skies
and the words that were left unsaid
My heart is an empty canyon
and for once, my mind might be sound.
the heavy heat of the sun
bleaches my eyes white
Dark red rays pierce my fingertips
and bloody light emerges
like an untamed river
Even past the grave
your embrace seems to stretch
from every wilting daisy
Welcoming me
with their dying warmth
and yellow grins
Only your hands
your comforting hands
Could keep away
the wint'ry curses
of hopelessness
That usually lie
in the darkest of my hours.
Please, let your soul
shine down
On me
Keep me and my life inspired
as you did in the beginning
And maybe
Just maybe
let out a breath
of your perfume
and for once, may my soul be sound
(for mom)
I'm choking on starched skies
and the words that were left unsaid
My heart is an empty canyon
and for once, my mind might be sound.
the heavy heat of the sun
bleaches my eyes white
Dark red rays pierce my fingertips
and bloody light emerges
like an untamed river
Even past the grave
your embrace seems to stretch
from every wilting daisy
Welcoming me
with their dying warmth
and yellow grins
Only your hands
your comforting hands
Could keep away
the wint'ry curses
of hopelessness
That usually lie
in the darkest of my hours.
Please, let your soul
shine down
On me
Keep me and my life inspired
as you did in the beginning
And maybe
Just maybe
let out a breath
of your perfume
and for once, may my soul be sound
Death anniversary of July
Death Anniversary July 18 (my mom)you never cease your being depletes my hope and the sunshine in my window. eyes grown cloudy and lips dry, cracked..I breathe out words that have no meaning.you had always spoiled m,e my fingers bled night after night writing dead letters to you..do you hear them?..i could never fully express my sadness without spitting up blood on the pages. hang me up to dry for I am dripping with regret. today is your death anniversary I died in the arms of no one as your eyes turned to stone that friday in July and were cast out into the shadows. for over 5 years you slept in your heaven and I drank from the fountain of memory. my reflection distorted without you. dead, dry, and unawake. the bells of your death anniversary ring sharply in my stone deaf ears...
Dying for your existence...mom
Dying for your Existence
again dedicated to mom
I never deserved you.
and now I am here,
plundering farther
into the imagination that
created you.
I have waited for you, for so long.
I missed you even before
I knew who you were,
that is if you are real at all...
For the sake of my heart,
accept it as it is.
with all its impurities and
makeshift beauty talismans
half-heartedly sewn on...
please...exist for me.
Exist, and I will stop dying.
Prove my daydreams
to be true,
give me the benefit
of this shadowed doubt
that
you actually hear me.
exist
again dedicated to mom
I never deserved you.
and now I am here,
plundering farther
into the imagination that
created you.
I have waited for you, for so long.
I missed you even before
I knew who you were,
that is if you are real at all...
For the sake of my heart,
accept it as it is.
with all its impurities and
makeshift beauty talismans
half-heartedly sewn on...
please...exist for me.
Exist, and I will stop dying.
Prove my daydreams
to be true,
give me the benefit
of this shadowed doubt
that
you actually hear me.
exist
The Nothing Embrace
about my mother dying.......
The Nothing Embrace.
My words are lost when
trying to pass through
the sacrilege black between
my lips--cracked and
constantly bleeding.
Despite the death-like coldness
that pulsates feverishly throughout
my body, I can still remember
what is was like to feel
your warmth around me.
Such an intimate feeling of
remorse that I am plagued with...
almost too excruciating to bear.
Grovelling at the sight of your
cold, complacent body;
still and tragically stupifying...
...glass tears emerge from my eyes.
They laid you gently in the bed
creating a peaceful moment
of dried tears in your eyes
As I kneel, crestfallen...
I discover a gleam of hope
in the dead nothing embrace
of your arms.
Crawling close to you,
(my spider fingers anxious to feel you)
I worship this moment
with all the dark faith I have left.
I give it all to you.
Just to lay dying in your arms is enough.
For I would rather die to be with you,
than to live and be without
The Nothing Embrace.
My words are lost when
trying to pass through
the sacrilege black between
my lips--cracked and
constantly bleeding.
Despite the death-like coldness
that pulsates feverishly throughout
my body, I can still remember
what is was like to feel
your warmth around me.
Such an intimate feeling of
remorse that I am plagued with...
almost too excruciating to bear.
Grovelling at the sight of your
cold, complacent body;
still and tragically stupifying...
...glass tears emerge from my eyes.
They laid you gently in the bed
creating a peaceful moment
of dried tears in your eyes
As I kneel, crestfallen...
I discover a gleam of hope
in the dead nothing embrace
of your arms.
Crawling close to you,
(my spider fingers anxious to feel you)
I worship this moment
with all the dark faith I have left.
I give it all to you.
Just to lay dying in your arms is enough.
For I would rather die to be with you,
than to live and be without
Werewolf Lover
For Chad
Werewolf Lover
Fresh tracks
filled with pools of
muddy illusion,
I am being stalked
by my beloved.
He howls to the moon,
his eyes fierce with
passion as his claws
grow and caress my face
with lovely cuts.
He morphs into
a crimson haired beauty,
Werewolf prince.
He shows me the
thrill of the hunt,
and lets me hear
the metallic lullaby
of the moons beckoning--
I want him.
Returning to his state
of flesh,
his bare body-
tan and limber,
creates a shadow of light
against the darkness.
He strips me of all
my earthly bearings,
cold air slides around my knees...
(I am weak-I yearn for him)
...His blue eyes aglow,
they bid me a
lady wanting-
He pulls me close,
and I am his.
With the dawning of a massive
red star lulling on the
black horizon of forest,
I find myself laying in
a bed of roses and
blankets of velvety blood stains,
with my
lover breathing
softly next to me.
Werewolf Lover
Fresh tracks
filled with pools of
muddy illusion,
I am being stalked
by my beloved.
He howls to the moon,
his eyes fierce with
passion as his claws
grow and caress my face
with lovely cuts.
He morphs into
a crimson haired beauty,
Werewolf prince.
He shows me the
thrill of the hunt,
and lets me hear
the metallic lullaby
of the moons beckoning--
I want him.
Returning to his state
of flesh,
his bare body-
tan and limber,
creates a shadow of light
against the darkness.
He strips me of all
my earthly bearings,
cold air slides around my knees...
(I am weak-I yearn for him)
...His blue eyes aglow,
they bid me a
lady wanting-
He pulls me close,
and I am his.
With the dawning of a massive
red star lulling on the
black horizon of forest,
I find myself laying in
a bed of roses and
blankets of velvety blood stains,
with my
lover breathing
softly next to me.
Lost...without you
Dedicated to Chad and also about Chad:)
Lost Without You
I'm lost without you...
Endlessly searching for that feeling
of innocent love, like a heavy, angelic plague.
I love the way your mouth tastes
after we make love near flickering candles
that glow brighter when you turn the lights off.
Your scent spilled about me like
oil falling onto canvas, a painting
with nameless colors.
Warm, tropical breath listlessly careens
around me like rain...
The sweet, sweet rain of your tongue.
Beloved words are placed in my hands,
a feast for my heart,
though I hesitate to purr.
The beauty of you is too incessant,
too bewildering for my eyes to consume.
I am lost without you...
The music of angels could
never compare to your voice,
let alone the permanence of its meaning.
The blazing definition of what you say,
is recorded onto my flesh,
leaving a warm,
rosy dent upon my face...
my smile.
Come into me, oh sweet angel--
....for I am lost without you....
Lost Without You
I'm lost without you...
Endlessly searching for that feeling
of innocent love, like a heavy, angelic plague.
I love the way your mouth tastes
after we make love near flickering candles
that glow brighter when you turn the lights off.
Your scent spilled about me like
oil falling onto canvas, a painting
with nameless colors.
Warm, tropical breath listlessly careens
around me like rain...
The sweet, sweet rain of your tongue.
Beloved words are placed in my hands,
a feast for my heart,
though I hesitate to purr.
The beauty of you is too incessant,
too bewildering for my eyes to consume.
I am lost without you...
The music of angels could
never compare to your voice,
let alone the permanence of its meaning.
The blazing definition of what you say,
is recorded onto my flesh,
leaving a warm,
rosy dent upon my face...
my smile.
Come into me, oh sweet angel--
....for I am lost without you....
There is a reason the past is the past...
I have had to truly turn myself inside out this week. Not being myself this week at all. I did not even have a desire to indulge with memories of my past as I did. I had not had that desire to learn anything new from it. I know at times our minds jump before we make intelligent choices. Of course some would say we truly do what we feel on impulse. I do not know which I agree with.
I have learned that the people from our past were there for a reason. One reason I think is to teach us of our mistakes. To make us stronger, better for the right person when we find them. Sometimes that person from our past was the right person but we happen to meet at the wrong time. In my life I had to deal with the past people to become who I needed to be for the right one I am with now. I had to come to terms that the things that use to make me go crazy back then do not matter at all. Explainations meant nothing, bored me at times. I never needed closure but I know I had to provide the outlet for them to attain closure.
I learned to appreciate even more than I already did that what I have is sacred, special, something most people do not even get once in a lifetime. I was told I was that sacred something special to the one from my past. My only response was,"You will find the one that IS right one day." Totally I disagreed. I did not reject rudely, just sternly. I could not go backwards even if I was alone and single. I tried to explain that was toxic. Of course that person disagreed. I tried to explain they were in love with 20 yr old Julee. 30 yr old Julee is a remarkably opposite person from that young adult. I have matured, grown and become successful. I do not hold hate or anger toward that person. I think if you feel that strongly with anger or hate that means there is still love. I don't have to go into what the reasons are I could be mean etc. I just was tired. It dragged on longer than expected. I do not know why I did that. I honestly had no desire to start a friendship, relationship of any kind. I did not even want to relay information. But I had to TRY to put myself in that lonely place they are in. I would NOT allow myself to ever be in that place but tried to imagine how not knowing would have killed me, drove me crazy. So I gave not too much info but enough. I did not have tears, or any regrets of any of my choices. The reason I had to deal with Mr. Corrupt was for 2 wonderful (but defiant) little boys to be born.
I have learned that the people from our past were there for a reason. One reason I think is to teach us of our mistakes. To make us stronger, better for the right person when we find them. Sometimes that person from our past was the right person but we happen to meet at the wrong time. In my life I had to deal with the past people to become who I needed to be for the right one I am with now. I had to come to terms that the things that use to make me go crazy back then do not matter at all. Explainations meant nothing, bored me at times. I never needed closure but I know I had to provide the outlet for them to attain closure.
I learned to appreciate even more than I already did that what I have is sacred, special, something most people do not even get once in a lifetime. I was told I was that sacred something special to the one from my past. My only response was,"You will find the one that IS right one day." Totally I disagreed. I did not reject rudely, just sternly. I could not go backwards even if I was alone and single. I tried to explain that was toxic. Of course that person disagreed. I tried to explain they were in love with 20 yr old Julee. 30 yr old Julee is a remarkably opposite person from that young adult. I have matured, grown and become successful. I do not hold hate or anger toward that person. I think if you feel that strongly with anger or hate that means there is still love. I don't have to go into what the reasons are I could be mean etc. I just was tired. It dragged on longer than expected. I do not know why I did that. I honestly had no desire to start a friendship, relationship of any kind. I did not even want to relay information. But I had to TRY to put myself in that lonely place they are in. I would NOT allow myself to ever be in that place but tried to imagine how not knowing would have killed me, drove me crazy. So I gave not too much info but enough. I did not have tears, or any regrets of any of my choices. The reason I had to deal with Mr. Corrupt was for 2 wonderful (but defiant) little boys to be born.
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